Now, what with this being a food blog, I don’t tend to break out of the mould too often and rant about anything other than edibles. But Darragh has handed me the perfect excuse by tagging me with the ‘Getting Your Goat’ meme  – a kind of ‘Room 101′ that’s pinged around the blogosphere and given people the chance for some cheap therapy.

The rules, thankfully, are straightforward. This can only be a good thing if you’ve been working up a head of steam about life’s little annoyances and are starting to become incoherent with rage:

  1. List two things that irritate you for a reason, and list the reason, and two things that irritate you for no apparent reason whatsoever.
  2. Give credit to the person who tagged you (*tips hat to Darragh again and apologises for leaving it so late*).
  3. Link your answers to the original blog – Keiron over on http://www.skillett.com
  4. Tag four new people to participate.

Two things that annoy me and I know precisely why

Number 1 – corporate speak

Dear lord, if I hear one more person utter the phrase, ‘I think we’re engaging in some healthy dialogue here’, I will staple their tongue to the desk while uttering the words, ‘Dialogue THIS, my fine friend!’.

Are we in a pychiatrist’s office? Methinks not. Although stapling someone’s tongue to their desk may certainly qualify me for a visit or two, along with a swift exit from the workplace.

Every company has its examples, its business language, phrases and abbreviations that are meaningless in the real world. It’s incomprehensible at first but after a few weeks it’s like you’ve never known anything else, you are part of the problem and die a little inside each time you find yourself uttering the latest company buzz phrase.

It’s insidious. It’s a suffocating layer of bullshit around what people really mean. You want to ‘granularise’ something? Why not just break it down or look at in in detail? Wanna cascade? Only, perhaps, if you’re a waterfall. How about just telling everyone what they need to know instead?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  

Number 2 – Talking of bullshit… Gillian McKeith

I don’t normally go in for slagging folks - I really, really don’t. But this woman annoys the hell out of me and most of it is down to, you guessed it, the poo examination on that dammed show she does. I understand that this theatre of shame is supposed to help ’shock’ an individual into changing their nutritionally-deviant ways… But we all know that’s just an cheap excuse for the nation to have a gander at some pathetic sod’s dribbly bottom offerings as ‘Dr’ McKeith gives them a sharp telling off. 

And that’s just bullying, which is unacceptable in my book. 

Plus, her science is well off the mark.

Like a lot of diets out there, McKeith is advocating that we  cut out the bad stuff and eat more healthily – no problems there, m’lud. But the rest of the ‘doctor’s’ advice is woo of the highest order. (Or should that be ‘poo-woo’?)

The only thing that show makes me want to do is go out and stuff my face with chocolate. 

Two things that annoy me for seemingly no reason at all

Number 1 - The way there never seems to be enough curtain in any changing room in the land.

You know how it goes: you’ve found something to try on in the shop, you wander in to the changing room all excited and try to close the curtain behind you in the booth, but… there’s a good two- or three-inch gap between that last wisp of the curtain and the cubicle wall, leaving your wobbly bottom on view to anyone unfortunate enough to be passing by.

Now, I have no particular issue with my wobbly bum, but I don’t think anyone needs to see it unless I sign up for one of those Spencer Tunnick photos. And I would like to prance around and strike a series of rock star poses (vital to, er, test the clothing, you see) in relative privacy. What would it actually cost retailers to add that little bit of extra cloth? Why is it always the way? Why, I ask? It’s a mystery.

(By the way, if anyone out there can tell me if it’s the same in the men’s changing rooms, I’d be grateful.)

Number 2 – That bit at the end of the banana, is it the seed or just something designed to make you gack?

I hated bananas as a small child, loathed the very sight of them. I’ve gotten over it - but that little pointy seed-thing lodged in one end still evokes my gag reflex. Bleurgh. Completely irrational and I’ve no idea why. Is it just me? 

I’m setting this meme free in the blogosphere if there’s anyone left who hasn’t done it yet. So if you feel like a good rant is in order, by all means pick it up and run with it :-)

Aaaaaaaaah… deep breath - that’s better.